Tips for getting home

There are more than 13,000 Taxis in Dublin for a population of 2 million. That's more taxis than in New York.
Then why can't you get a taxi to come home?.

One thing reason is that everyone closes around the same time at night throwing heaps of steaming drunk people into the cold wet night. They are unhappy that the night is over and in no mood to wait around.
Joys in Baggott St(beside AIB) closes last 5 am. and taxis wait outside.

Its a fact that it took hundreds of buses and taxis over 4 hours to bring evreyone into town in the first place..Now the Dart and Luas are gone and only the odd night link bus.
Most people are happy to get in to your taxi,tell you where there going, and "thank God Mr.Taximan!". Others take it upon themselves fo fuck you in and out of hell. There is nothing much you can say about that, but I have often pulled up at a hostile rank and have the waiting punters at the rank pull them out so that they could get into the car instead.

If you are in a group say your goodbyes before the car pulls up. I will not wait longer than the second hug, goodbye! I will be gone to someone who wants to go straight away.

In the restaurant, book the taxi before you start the meal.

Leave town early

Go some place local to finish off the night.

Never wait at a rank.. drivers like to see that the people they are picking up are reasonably sober. At rhe rank you have to pick up the first homasidal maniac who is there.

Don't smoke, I am inclined to think if you are on your break you might need a bit more time and I don't want the car reeking of tobacco.

Walk out from town facing the incoming traffic. I have often seen people in Summerhill and Amiens st wave and curse the full taxis as they leave town. while the empty ones stream into town on the other side of the road..

A taxi bringing someone home to Rathfarnham or Stepaside will be out of the city centre for 1 1/2 hours! Thats for one trip. Take a nightlink for half your journey home then once your out of the masses you will meet empty cars heading home.

Celebrate Christmas and New Year in the first week in Feburary Just like the Chinese !
The restauraunt will be delighted to see you and let you sit for a few hours.

I know it is even stupid to suggest this but a pair of runners and a tracksuit in a bag out with you. This will mean that you can walk without freezing to death.

Sometime it gets a bit much to deal with/ If I work late it will be from the airport, though you can pick up plenty of headbangers there too.

I have had runners Ladies who have pissed on the seat Twice, girl sleepers are a perticular fear of mine, you must never shake them or touch them. Go straight to the nearest Garda station,
( Its worthwhile finding out where Garda stations are in advance)where a big burly garda will gladly slap them around or even as happned, twice take them in for bed and breakfast.

Two times I had a girl scream rape. The first one worker for RTE our national broadcaster. I brought her straight to the garda station where a bean garda ( luckely) interviewed her. She denied it all, then she slipped up saying "can't you take a joke"

The second time was very sinister and since that day I don't pick up girls on their own.

Harcourt St. Saturday night a girl waves me down going to Glassneven. She got in and fell asleep on the back seat,within 5 seconds.
At that time I had a Fiat Scudo wihch was adapted to take a wheelchair. So there is a big empty space in front of the bench seat. I had worked in the security business so as I could buy goods wholesale so I fitted an infra red camera connected to a 12volt time lapse recorder which was under the back seat. This was to cover my back and thank god I had it turned on.

Next thing I knew as I was turning into Dorset st. she jumps and starts screaming Help! Help!
I v'e been kidnapped! I held down the door lock and stopped the car falling from the moving taxi ,,relax whats wrong I asked
You got into the taxi in Harcourt st don't you remember ?

What happned next I know looking basck was well rehearsed.
She put her hand to her crotch and screamed I'm all wet, you bastard you are after rapeing me , You drugged and raped me when I was out! Ok Ok I said off to Whitehall garda station..They have fitted a gate to the side entrance so you can't drive into the yard like you used to. As we were going there she ranted and raved as how a pervert like me should be put in prison and never be let out again etc. As we got close to the station I was informed that if I gave her 200 pounds she would forget it.
No one would take my word against hers and I would loose my licence and never work again.. A few later minutes I was up on the grass outside the station. This is going to cost you a lot!..I blew the horn about 20times long blasts.
No one came out.
Then I let it slip that she had been on camera.
In that case you can bring me home she said.
This is the end of the line for you as I blew the horn again. Still no one came out and she said if I put a hand on her she would do me for assalt!
Pay the EFFIN fair and F*** off. As soon as she jumped out I locked up and ran in to speak to the guardian of the peace.. Come out quick to arrest the girl on the road.

To cut a long story short he was too busy, he was on his own and he did not care because no crime had been comitted ! Fucking hell I shouted if it was her who ran in here shouting rape you would be down on me like a ton of s***
Behave yourself or I will have you locked up, thats the biggest reaction I got from the Garda.

I am sure she has done this to many other drivers..
If you don't have the cash to have a camera installed buy a dictafone.. they can be as small as a small cigarette pack..Then when it comes to he said he said, you can recall and replay.

Be good out there boys and girls and take care. Hair spray is an excellent thing to carry in case of attack..or Impulse.
But then men can't help acting on it.