Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Slow motion

Here's one, not from me but it was told so well Its worth telling again.

I was going to the new Jurys hotel on Parnell st with an Indian passenger. Traffic was slow but it was nice and sunny. We were approaching the junction with Hill st.
A guy was coming the opposite way in a BMW converteble with the roof down. He had a big Rolex watch on his wrist and he was talking on the mobile phone.

Now he had a red light against him and a guy coming down Hill st was joining the traffic..
The beamer went through the lights and tried to cut off the other driver. The Hill st guy blew his horn, which aggitated the asshole beamer driver. He hung up his phone, got out of the car and attempted to give the other driver loads of verbal and physical abuse.

My friend was watching as he was facing the incedent .

A young chancer who just happened to be passing took a look into the beamer. Keys? Ok couldn't get it around too tight..Good Jacket and laptop...Too much in one go..

My friend started to blow his horn to which Mr beamer gives him the fingers.!
The chancer had made his choice then, OK!
Laptop it is..

Than all the cars behind the BMW start to blow their horns. Mr Beamer turns in a total rage to express his displeasure only to see his laptop heading down the lane at the side of the post office.
The Indian passenger in my friends taxi got out he has been laughing so much he couldn't breath.
"My God that was so funny, you wouldn't see that in the movies"

The lights changed and everyone else drove away.

It happened in a few seconds but it seemed like 10 minutes .

Its nice that once in a while these assholes get their cumeuppence.
I let people cut in and out. No problem. Traffic is like the weather, you can do nothing about it .
Unless you drive a humvee in Iraq

Everyone else may have spotted this piece.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

4 Fares

I know I go on about how different people are. One person can be so different that you might think they were a different species of animal. A lamb getting out a snake geting in.
Well here is a story of four such people.

Going up Talbot st I met two guys coming down carrying hired out suits. They got in and asked me for ***** St. I knew the story, there had been a shooting there a few days earlier.
Sorry for your troubles buddy I said. There was no way I could pretend I knew nothing.
They were sharp blokes and the people at the top of the pile never give taxi drivers heartache.
Though its the people nearest the very top who are the real problem, both in crime and Law.
Its the people who support their lifestyle who cause all the problems.
If these lads drove their own cars they would be stopped all the time. They have the money anyhow and taxis are needed by them all the time .
They were talking away and all the junkies that saw them in the taxi shouted over.
It was a bit like having the Cray twins in the car.
Suddenly one of them spotted a 07 car, I'm going to buy me a new fuckin car, with an open top so that I can throw Pineapples (handgranades) out without opening the windows.
Jesus hold on lads aren't things not bad enough? I said.
We didn't start this! but as sure as hell were going to finish it, for once,and for all.
When we turned into the street where they lived there was cops all around the street.
Here buddy take 15. a 6 euro fare

Today the cops have found a stash of mines and handgranades during a drugs raid.

He was on the North strand cars flying past him. I stopped. I knew he was a drug addict.
You can spot them a mile off. sallow colour, skin sort of drawn tight around the face. They allways look like shit.
I am sure they feel that way too.
Thanks for stoppin buddy. I feel really bad the way those taxis were passing me by.I never did anything to any of them. I never robbed or mugged and they look at me with a look of hatered and fear.They know nothing about me, I feel bad enough already without that in the mornin.
Take me to the Blue Lion in Parnell st, wait for me then back here.
He spoke non stop, how he had been working at the building game till he got sick and as a courier.
I'm really big into photography now, I have taken thousands of photographs on my computer I have.

He was going into Foleys chemists.
I waited and there was a sizeable group of Polish men outside. Many of them were well past "their best before date" (like myself) and you could just know that the dream of arriving in the land of golden opportunity was becoming a sad reality, no english,no skill, no job and nearly no money.The hopes for their familys back at home fading fast.

He came back out.So were heading off to the Strand again.

Methadone clinic? Yes, is it that fucki'n obvious?.

Well its a fucking dissaster whats happned in this town says I.
So he tells me how his life spiralled out of control. Now I will fight to stay off the Heroin. I never injected it I hate needles (a lot of drug addicts hate needles) I only smoked it. Its the Methadone that has me looking like this. All I want to do is to be around to help me son and family.
I'll beat this bastard yet.
9 euro Heres 12. Look after yourself and he was gone.

Heading down the quays for home before the rush hour. A guy at the bus stop hails me, I pull over a bit and get hemmed in between two buses. Then I see he is pissed drunk and I can't move.
Clondalkin ! take me there.
He has only one finger and thumb on his right hand so he needed help to put on the seat belt.. I'm Dinny Ward I'm a traveller man!
Not only was he drunk but he kept on thinking I was someone else..
Each time he spoke to me I was a different person. It became very spookey.
Clondalkin did I say I was going there ?40 times he said it!.
Then he got very agitated when a motorbike passed.. Mikey take his number write down his fuckin number..The bastards on the motorbikes tried to kill me twice and you could be next if you don't take his number..
Travellers have a very vicous inter clan disputes which are settled with shotguns, slashooks and even machene guns.
It was touch and go. So I kept him going by calling him Dinny. While he called me Patrick, Jimmy, Mikey and Shamey.
Why do they want to kill me ?.
I was wrecked! when we got there.
We arrived up in Bawnogue as the light was fading with 25 euro on the clock. I had listned to him enought to be able to know to get the money( I hoped). He hands me a 10euro.
Here you are..
This is no good. its 25 on the clock.
Thats all your going to get.
Then I'll go in and tell your woman what you did... Straight out with a wad of 50s. 25 change back.
We were best friends then,
So then Dinny then tried to sell me the wifes car..

One time before a big fecker of about 25 stone from the PENTHOUSE started that messing and his wife of 5ft gave him such a box on the mouth.. ( It was sharp like a rifle shot in the van) Don't make a show of me !. Pay the man and give him a tip. He was as quiet as a mouse.
I was only jokin Maggie he shouted after her
Ill give you fuckin jokin when you get inside!

Yes travellers are afraid of their women.

There's a little shop up the way so I went in to buy some phone credit and 7up.
It kills me how in the poorest areas of the ciry things are more expensive as the shopkeepers know that the people don't have cars to go elswhere so they rip them off.

Then to the other end of the spectrum

Today I went to the Airport and got a fair into town.
An Asian business lady, quite chatty asked me about places to eat etc. between calls. Works out of Milan but lives in Prague, works in finance. VERY important, off to the Morrison..19.60 she hands me the 20. Aqwkward moment as she pauses for her change. I press the 40 cent into her hand.
No really.You can keep the change.

No I should have thats your change,not a tip.

As a customer said to me once. Tipping is a bit like cleaning your arse after you go to the toilet.
If you don't do it right it can be very mesey when you go back there again.

Right on.

There you are 4 fares with differing levels of humanity, tragedy, death and despair.
One person staying in the best hotel, on expenses thinks 20 cent is a tip!

While a recovering Heroin addict gives me 3euro tip and says , sorry thats all the loose change I have.

The whole feckin world is mad.

Still want to be a taxi driver?

Become an ACTOR you will still starve but you will be admired.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A pass ! well sort of a pass

Today I went for the NCT and PSV licence renewal.
The car passed sort of..
They reckon that a tyre was put on the wrong way around.
Uniderictional tyre. Anyhow it didn't matter as the thread was lifting off the tyre.
News to me!
Back to the tyre man. "They don't know what there talking about, This is not a uniderictional tyre.. the other one on the rear left is and its on right"
So he didn't have a replacement tyre, come back tomorrow.

I met one of the lads from the Kesh there, had a few words.
When he was called out he was failed because the "Baile Atha Cliath" on his number plate had a scratch on it and his left beam was out of focus. While he protested the next lady was called out with the same left beam faulty..
He lost the plot and asked how could 2 cars turn out with the same fault at the same time. "Your instruments are faulty, thats whats wrong"

I don't know what happned as I was called out next BUT.

There is a guy who lives down the road and he works at the airport looking after the aeroplanes.
He has access to the tools and the gismos to test engine emissions. Well he brought his mothers car out and measured the emissions at the airport then off to the NCT where it failed? Now John did not want to take NO for an answer , without moving the car he rang NSAI who set the standards and issue certificates for the machienes which test the cars.
John spoke to one of his associates and explained that his mothers car had failed and it had passed on the airports tester. NCT were insisting he pay again, John said no way!
The guy from NSAI rang back the test centre and explained that the other machene had been checked and callibrated and if push came to shove they could send out some inspectors to check their equipment and they would be closed for the day.

The car was tested again and passed.

He told me since that his cars have since failed for other things. Nothing he could dispute though.

One thing that annoys me about the NCT is that there is only one company doing it.
If there was 3 or 4 companies doing the testing it would seem to be fairer.
They should be deregulated.

Monday, January 22, 2007


There are two deadlines in the taxidrivers calender. Paying your income tax in time. Or you won't have your tax clearence cert for
2 Renewing your PSV licence.
There are at least 5 pieces of paper you need for this. I had them all at hand, so I thought, so I had to spend the weekend looking for them. When they did turn up they were in three different places.
It was a bit like the book that came out a few years ago. David Kitt in search of the golden hare..All the clues had to be followed to find the hidden treasure.

Tomorow will be devoted to paperwork.

I bought series one of Colombo on DVD, a customer told me it was out, so I just had to get it.
I had a suspicion that someone who turned out to be a good director cut his teeth on the making of the series, and I was right for once.
It was a great series an a strange way we all knew what happned and who did it and how. But just how Columbo worked it all out was a pleasure ..

Not like in real life where the Police couldn't find a clue, not even a suspicon of who did it.

Why? because they had aided the killers and assisted in the cover up.

We could do with a police ombudsman down here in the 32 counties as well.

Sometimes its better to belive in fiction,
Fact is so unbelievable.

The daffodils will be well up before I am finished the series of Colombo, I saw some daffs nearly out when I was walking the dog the other day.

roll on summer.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A man walked into

Some people are good at one thing, then people think they are good at everything. Its a self portrait, I think its a quite good likeness. Many artists and writers live here as the government allows them tax exemption. Rod Stewart arrived in Clane to look up his old mate and they found themselves in a local pub. The owner happned to be passing through the lounge and he collered the barman. "Any sign of trouble from them Brits throw them out double quick. Whatever happens I want no singing" Off he went, little did he know who they were and if Rod Stewart and Ronnie Woods of the Rolling Stones were known to be doing a live gig in the pub he would have packed the place.

There is a bit of a revolution taking place with regard to the trade unions and Dublin Airport. Moves are afoot to appoint a comittie to negotiate on behalf of the drivers and the DAA.
Many of the lads feel that the unions have been leading the workers up the garden path. Insurance prices have tumbled since Quinn direct entered the market, many feel that perhaps the union should have made AXA be a bit more compedative, who knows? With the regulator in place the unions don't seem to have power any more.

Things are slow, the other day I was going through Sandymount and I caught sight of a child behind a car which was reversing. I stopped and shouted at a lady who was on the footpath. Theres a child behind that car, Lookout! She went behind the car and then returned to me. "Its a little dwarf, she lives around the corner" Well I know I felt a bit foolish better a bit foolish than have a dead kid on your mind.

If I was single I would be in Las Vegas

A man walks into an antique dealers shop..A violin in one hand and a painting in the other.
The dealer looks at them for a while and says A Stadavarous and a Goya together !

But he says smashing them up.

Stradavarous was a lousy painter and goya made lousy violns

Tommy Cooper

Friday, January 12, 2007

Stormy seas

Molly Malone has lovely pears.

Today we got the good news that the taxi regulator is gone! Left the job, was he pushed? Who knows. Job half done didn't even work out his notice.
One thing for sure we will have to watch our backs whoever takes over.

Changed my routene decided to give the aport a go. Barrier still not up, so the new passes are still not operational. Got a lift to Palmerstown, went via the M50 which turned out to be a carpark..Got off at Navan Rd cut through Chapelizod and back up to his house. He didn't know the road too well but it was a great choice of route as there was no traffic.
He was a lighting technician for shows, rock concerts etc. He said an interesting thing though. When you are on tour you have to remember who you are at all times. Noel Gallagher might be taking your cigarettes and having a laugh with you, If you forget who YOU are for a moment you are out so fast that your feet won't even touch the ground.
Strange to say the people who are left behind will never mention the name of the person who had "To walk the plank" Seems like a great job for a single guy, tough on relationships if your'e married.

Had a great looking woman in the car later on today. Immagine the mix in he breeding Indian dad. Mother Philipeno/Spanish. I had to say how south American she looked. I said that its a pity we had not met 20 years ago. If we had she said I would have been in Kintergarden. Philipeno people love to laugh. Her husband is an engeneer and they are all living together here.
It is very hard for emegrants living away from home without loved ones. She was a bit annoyed that her husband would not stay in Manilla he had a good job. Part of his job was looking after tenders and for contracts but the scale of corruption and bribery is so much part of the system that he decided to make the break. They needed the money. Corruption is indemic in the Philipeans and its not like here where someone gets found out, though little happens.
I mentioned the money for the tsunami releif, and how it never got there. The corruption is so bad that starving people are robbed by the government officals, everyone knows about it, but it has been going on since before Marcos and no one cares any more.

They seem to be on top of their game here in Ireland and happy, I hope they settle down here.

The wind is howling outside as I write. I am fortunate that I don't have to go out. Not like sailors and fishermen who are facing 20 foot waves on the sea. Two trawlers have gone down 7 men lost 2 rescued. This is a really tough time for all the fishermen.This is what its like when things turn really bad. Think of RNLA when you are in the shops and drop a bob in for the lifeboats.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Federiction Cabby.

Just to put a face to a statistic take a look at the website on the right..
Click on the link then
Click on the photo to get on to the next link., watch the video.
You could never live with yourself knowing you killed a beautiful child like this.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

speedy cabs

A Welsh taxi driver has been done for speeding at 420 MPH
That is a new land speed record!
He drives a 12 year old Vauxhall Cavalier. Not a Jumbo jet as he said himself.
He is disputing the charge.

London Cabby says "its herring days" when there was no money and you had nothing but herrings to eat.
It REALLY is bad, so slow in fact that I took out the old flash band to repair a leak in my roof. The old paint brushes will be coming out next.

But there is a time for everything. You have to put things in perspective, its not the end of the world,things will turn as they do. Its not like we had shops with high rents, gas bills,rents, insurance and stock to pay for and all the other shops selling for half price.

Life has a habit of giving you a good kick up the arse!

Two examples came to me today. The first on I was at the rank at Conolly station and had a few words with the guy in front.

Talked about how slow things were.

I buried my son three years ago this Christmas.
This was his taxi plate.
He was just getting onto his feet, feeding his wife and kids.

He was killed in Summerhill by a gang of thugs out joyriding.

I well remember that night I was working through the night that night myself.

I bought him the plate and set him up, he was only doing it for a year. I often blame myself because only for me he would have found another job and he might be alive today.

He retired from work and now works to support his grandchildren.

The scumbags had loads of warrents out on them(He gave me the figures but I don't remember) and the judge in his great wisdom figured that it was the garda's fault that they were out. He said that it was the states fault that this happned. Because they should have been in prison. The drivers of both cars died, The criminal drivers mother had to be brought from prison where she was doing bird, she had to give permission to turn off her sons life support machene.

The other lads got 7 years.
Thats only 3 years ago and I hear they are out.

Its a fucking joke.

He got a fare then, I hope it was a good one.

Later that day I tuned into the good old medium wave where I picked up Manx radio(Isle of man) On that station they read out the deaths.
They anounced the death of a young guy 20 who had collapsed and died of arythmia..Which is where the hart looses its rythym. It cannot be prevented, or be diagnosed.

His father was a doctor.

It is just something that happens.

My son was at a young guys funeral last month who had died at the wheel of his car. They reckon that it was a heart attack thought he too was only 20 ish as well.

So lets put our lives into perspective.

I Remember well, the day I picked up this balck guy with a terrable stutter...It was bad

IIIIII waaaannnttt ttttttoo ggg go tttt to RT RT RTE. ( our national broadcaster)

No problem Off we go.
Now I don't want to make him feel bad about his speech impedament, so I say. Why are you off to RTE, Is it to see the Late Late show?

Nnnnnooooo it it it its a a a jjjjjoooooobbbbb inininnitre inintervew.

A job interview, what is the job?

It tttit sssss frfrfrfor a newnwnwews readddder.

We were there then so I got paid and wished him luck.

There is a little soup kitchen down across from O'Briens in Donnybrook where the grub is good and they leave out the papers. So I went for my midday lunch.

I couldn't get him out of my mind, imagine 2000 Irelands first black newsreader!.

I was thinking how would he manage with the Irish language?

I pulled over to the Burlington rank, nothing moving...Back up to Donnybrook and who should I see but my frend out from the intervew.

So glad to see you I said pulling up.

How did it go. Did you get the job ?


I suppose we all have our sore spots!

Friday, January 05, 2007


Here is a Taxi rank in Uganda. You could go by car but one of these jockeys will take you there in half the time for only a few shillings! Perhaps it will be the way to go in all cities soon.

Yes took the day off and brought my youngest to see James Bond.
Perhaps I am getting older But the buildings and settings impressed me far more than the women. The way it was going the femme fatal would have had to have had bigger breasts than Anna Nicole Smith and the love scenes were going to become pornographic. Special effects were great,they have come a long way.
The opening sequence brought back the old Bond formula and it was action all the way. This Bond charicter was credable which is something, but Sean Connery was a hard act to follow.

Our regestration system puts the year first. Loads of 07 cars on the road.

Now back to the real world.
So the window stickers are gone! They created blind spots and were burning out the motors in the eletric windows.
The new fare cards which have been issued to replace them list out what is expected from passengers and what passengers should expect in return.
One example is a clean vehicle and a quiet journey.
Reminds me of the tale about the bloke who didn't want to talk. All the way through the journey he held up his newspaper to avoid the taxi drivers eyes. The driver tried evrything to engage him, the football, the weather, the traffic,them foreign birds,nothing got a response.
After he dropped the passsinger off the taxi moved up a few yards, stopped and reversed back. The passinger thinking he had left something in the car came up to the window only to hear the taxi driver say. "Did you ever think of buying a hearing aid, ya bollox" Such is the Dublin taxi drivers way, he will allways get the last word.

Getting back to the chaos at Heathrow over the holidays.

They had 2 major belt failures in the baggage sorting areas. People were sent off but no bags! Now they are transporting thousands of bags by road to a company in Italy to sort them out. It would seem to me that there are enough people in the UK to organise this sort of operation(Think of all the out of work santas) without the added complication of doing it in Italy.I suppose they can now say truthfully "we cannot find your luggage"

Still what do we know?

Best christmas card came from the USA. It shows the late Pope John Paul lying in state in his red robes. In the background you see the world leaders. George Bush,Bill Clinton etc. George Bush is saying. "What happned to Santa?"The card co. is. But the card is not featured on the site.

I spoke to a beautiful lady the other day who was back from 2 weeks in the Carribean. Some people just know how to live in style,its winter there and windy. I could live with that. If my Euromillions lotto comes up tonight thats where my next broadcast will be coming from.

Still people are much the same the world over, we all want good health, to live in piece and safety and enough to pay our bills.
I know we have the bad people too, drugs and disease are global issues.

This new year I hope will bring new solutions.

Rich and poor but brother don't be sick and poor in the USA.

Your health is your wealth. Live your life don't endure it !

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

On the road again

Theese arches are on the road heading from Booterstown to Dalkey.
Well I don't know if my easy riders who were heading for Perth and Ciaro via Heathrow made it. It was foggy and short haul flights were being cancelled. I suggested the boat, then train to London.
They had time if they went to the boat there and then. But no "we'll check out the flights first" and no, they didn't see the news before they left for the a'port.
But yesterday I picked a couple who had been to Cairo, it rained and was cold.. they got food poisening..Most of the things that they had arranged were cancelled. It was a complete fiasco..No they hadn't booked it through an Irish operator, they booked it locally through the internet.
To cap it all they couldn't find a doctor who was open when they got home. Looks like these VHI medical centres will be doing a roaring trade after all, e81 to see a doctor. ( Not paid by VHI)
Theres a part in the Sunday Times travel section called "When holidays attack" I think my Egyptian travellers might win a prize.
Most returning visitors are glad to be back. A bit tired.
Back to the rear world on Monday. Metro back on the streets.( they were the first to take off) Then we on the northside will see how the port tunnel works out. The M50 will really be under pressure.